Last night i had cyber sex - couldn’t really call it sexting, because i don’t own a phone. Nor could i say it was the best i ever had, for it was a first. What i can say is pound-for-pound computer sex comes nowhere close to skin-to-skin fornication - not even the same universe. I am not complaining and i applaud the flexibility of my partner to even consider such a measure; i wonder if she woke with the same confusion that i did absent the warmth and smelly breath of real life. There seems to be nothing the virtual world contains that approximates the dynamic possibilities actual life affords. One begins to wonder what they where thinking calling virtual anything, much less reality. Was this sexual experience healthy - virtually, in the denuded emptiest sense of the word. All that it seems to afford is the independent life each of us pursues 1,000’s of miles apart - i do not think that is too healthy, mostly because i like sex - not virtually, but actually. Somewhere between “The Scarlet Letter” and the discovery of AIDS we lost the capacity to fully appreciate the benefits of wholesome sex, but that is not all we have lost. With the advent of labor saving everything, we now work a full day and then take the money we earned and give it to a “health” club so we may sweat expertly. Our food has also been contaminated by this labor saving ethos, to the extent food that was supposed to be healthy and fast was baked using the same ingredients used to fabricate yoga mats. I don’t know what universe you were raised in, but that doesn’t seem too healthy to me. I accept that the most important point of health is the state of one’s own mind: “I choose to be happy, for it is better for my health” - Voltaire. Yet in a world full of unreasoned reflexive hate the state of happiness can be very complicated to cultivate. I take to cyber trysts hoping to recover some of the visceral pleasure still available to a determined soul; it is a good thing i am not so much affected by disappointment as i am curious to learn how to mend.
After many injuries - heart, head and soul, i am also convinced that the human being, like most living creatures seeks stasis - wants to be healthy and is extremely powerful to this end. I have watched personal injuries close from gaping bloody wounds to faint scars, and that is a wondrous miracle. The human character has also this capacity for healing as anyone who has suffered the loss of a love, loved one or even been forced by circumstance to deprive another of the same. How can we as a species do, as the song sang of “accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative.” ? It is becoming more than a rhetorical question now that we are facing the possible extinction of our species. One of the many benefits of experience is a calm approach to calamity and injury, when there is blood pouring down your arm, one does not stop to point the finger or argue whether it is a serious injury - you staunch the flow, elevate the wound over the heart and seek transport to the nearest doctor. Our planet is bleeding from savage disregard, and if we don’t staunch the hemorrhaging, elevate the wound over the heart (would that we could know where that might be on such a complex organism as our earth) and find a doctor capable of curing such a wound - we perish. “φροντίζετε τον εαυτό σας” - Αριστοτέλη; “ Physician heal thyself” - Aeschylus. I no longer argue with anyone unwilling to consider the danger of our circumstances, rather i take what steps i am capable of to alleviate the symptoms - routinely using the proper adjective, poison, to describe plastic; live as local as i can to where i reside - supporting local markets and encouraging sustainable strategies, and i write essays. While this may not seem much, it is as close to the clotting behavior of blood as i can get, that and being happy. I used to believe this was the result of the perfect Rawlings baseball glove, oiled and cured around a baseball just at the sweet spot; then it became “her” smile until i saw the other side of that - now my happiness comes from personal choice which is not always easy, evidenced by my curious sexual proclivities.
I am waiting on a lad who draws for a living in the local zocalo. Remembering how vital the support of older artists has been to my own development, i try to support how i can. To that end, i had asked if he wanted to sign his drawing of Frida Kahlo’s profile before it was framed - at another time in my existence i might have considered someone missing such an appointment as a personal affront - no longer. At some point in my journey, the reality of personal responsibility of others for their actions became one more thing to observe, rather than something to act on. A great deal of stress was resolved by this awareness. Stress is a killer and so much of it is from our own conceits. War is an abomination born of greed - there is no other cause or root, yet people are ready to join forces killing others, simply because the fury accessible in combat mimics unresolved conflicts in each of our hearts. I do not want to change your mind by what i write, i write to expunge the fury of my own unfinished business. I am going to die and there is no amount of exercise or health potions that will change that fact, least of all killing another. So i busy myself with those activities that give me pleasure and honor my unique skills such as they are. The illusion of recognition by anyone other than myself for my efforts has freed up a lot of creative elan i had long thought withered and bone dry. It helps that i don’t spend a lot of time or effort organizing external proof of my existence, though eating chocolate doesn’t hurt - except those children exploited by Nestles and other global corporate tyrannies who burn forests so as to plant palm oil plantations. I cook my meals of legumes native to where i live with vegetables. It gives me great satisfaction to prepare my own meals, and while bordering on the tedious at times, i do not miss the muss and fuss necessary to be in society and not give offense by blowing my nose after enjoying the chilies that are such an important part of my diet.
It is amazing the time and expense i save by eating my own cooking - time i use to accomplish tasks of my own design. Freud has been said to define mental health as contentment with work and love, or words to that effect. I am lucky to have always possessed a natural affinity for work - love had been a tad more elusive, until i learned for certain that i could not give love until i found it inside myself - that was an ineffable dawn of sorts. We do not live in a world which encourages love, rather one that profits from that which cannot be sold - love. We are not allowed to revere the power of love outside of prescribed paths anointed by family, community or experts. It is a small wonder love has survived without a champion for as long as it has - true testimony to love’s innate vitality, sort of like the health good food yields. I can speak from both sides of the equation having been romantically betrayed by 3 wives. The most difficult aspect of those experiences is personal responsibility that cannot be denied - i accepted the unacceptable, love without a home, or a home without love - your call. That i selected each as partners is indisputable, but they are not absolved. Nor am i innocent, it was my love that was inadequate to the task - if they had gotten enough from me, it would not have been necessary to search elsewhere. Clarity and self awareness is critical to any kind of growth - most especially the personal kind. Hatred has been as much of an impediment to personal growth as any history i may have passed through or excuse i might have conjured from interested, however misguided advice. Hatred has been one of the most corrosive emotions i’ve ever encountered in myself or others. What is curious is how that word parses upon deeper examination, specifically with respect to “aversion” - to be repelled by something. I was brought up using as much sense as logic with mother and father representing each modality respectively. Logic is something like mathematics when you push an equation out the window - like a piano falling it either lands or it does not. Sense is not quite as tidy with six people in a circle around an apple, each seeing a different apple.
Does that make an artist’s apple more correct than yours, even though professionally trained artists in some venues have sold their renditions for $100’s of millions? Yeah, i’m with you - though truth be told, it would be difficult to decide whether to trade a limb for one of Cezanne’s apples; i guess it would depend on the limb. Love is an attractive principle, while hate is by definition repellent. I found this one of the many times that i managed to quite smoking; the most successful times being when i was pulling myself toward a higher objective, never from my inordinate capacity for denial. However, love can make for strange bedfellows at times like just now: i elected to smoke while i ponder the end of this writing - we all have habits that do not aid our health - i fly in jet planes at times, though i walk as much as possible to offset my carbon footprint. While i drink mezcal, i manage to enjoy the two shots most nights and mitigate with hydration those mornings when logic is overtaken by my lesser senses. Our planet is rugged like most life in her precious atmosphere; she will continue on in some form long after we are gone, yet my hope is for an awakening of love for our mysterious existence in the vast sea of dark matter. I have found love inside of myself that i never expected. It is not faint, nor is it romantic - it is a powerful belief that my death is not any different than the inexplicable nature of my birth. We are passing through, and if we are smart, we will try to enjoy these sacred seconds we have been given to expand our awareness of the inexplicable. Most all other struggles are window dressings of denial and vain efforts to define the nature of something we do not understand. I cannot make another person happy anymore than i can allow them to deprive me of mine. This is not to say i cannot derive great pleasure in searching for ways to help others be happy, so i continue to seek out those demonstrating best what they’ve learned so far in the hope that by being of assistance, my wellbeing will grow more hardy and can become an example to others as they have become to me.
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illness - a sonnet
Illness is another making you whole,
because it’ll never happen in this world.
If you are not well, it is from your hole,
and if well, for not living imperiled.
Can death be denied or even vanquished,
or is wellness a friend to meet always?
I don’t know, but i am not extinguished,
so wellness must accept some of my ways.
Never been so sick as when full of hate,
yet delivered from death by simple love.
It may be, we cannot control our fate,
but am sure worthy quarry is not dove.
if you are not well, you think about it,
it may help to pay heed to what you shit.
jts 05/28/2018
http://stoanartst.blogspot.com
http://josephtstevens.blogspot.com
reprinted with permission - all rights reserved ·
∞
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